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Coping

May all their Stars Shine Bright

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Emily Hammond with her five-year-old son Griffin at their home in Niagara Falls on Dec. 11, 2015. They have a special Christmas ornament they put on their tree every year as a reminder of all the children dealing with cancer. Mike DiBattista/Niagara Falls Review/Postmedia Network
The tiny silver star has a well-deserved place among the very tip top branches of my Christmas tree. The star has a hole in the middle with a crystal hanging inside. This little star means so much to me.
In Dec of 2011, my 22 month old son Griffin was diagnosed with Rhabdomyosarcoma, a rare and aggressive type of muscle Cancer that grew in his eye orbit. That holiday season was the scariest and most heart wrenching Christmas my little family had ever been through. We didn’t know if Griffin was going to make it and my Husband & I didn’t know if this would be his last Christmas…
After 48 weeks of chemo, 25 radiation treatments directly to his face, and countless pokes, scans and appointments, December of 2012 rolled around and that year, Griffin was Cancer Free!!! You would think I would have been so happy, unfortunately I was not. My heart and soul were hurt from all the cancer kids we had lost that past year as well as all the kids still fighting. I could not let myself feel happy while others were still suffering. Some mothers did not have their babies that Christmas, how guilty and horrid was I to enjoy mine?
I struggled with PTSD, survivor’s guilt and depression until I found this cheap little tin star at our pharmacy while I was getting meds for my son. It sparkled at me, it reminded me of the sparkle in the eye of one particular child we had lost recently. I clung to that ornament all the way home, crying tears of sadness but also relief. I realized that I could HONOUR those children with a place on my tree. I can remember them, laugh at their memories and remember their sparkle. These families would not want me to suffer; they would not want me to be consumed with guilt over something neither of us can help!
 Emily Hammond with her five-year-old son Griffin at their home in Niagara Falls on Dec. 11, 2015. They have a special Christmas ornament they put on their tree every year as a reminder of all the children dealing with cancer. Mike DiBattista/Niagara Falls Review/Postmedia Network
So Griffin is five now, perfectly healthy and happy. And so am I. Each year, I hang that amazing little star near the tip of my tree, the little crystal catching all the light and winking at me. These Cancer Kids are not forgotten, but they are no longer painful. I will always remember those children with this little silver star. I will always remember their bravery, courage and heart.
May all their stars shine bright.
This story was published in the local Newspaper:
Emily Hammond with her five-year-old son Griffin at their home in Niagara Falls on Dec. 11, 2015. They have a special Christmas ornament they put on their tree every year as a reminder of all the children dealing with cancer. Mike DiBattista/Niagara Falls Review/Postmedia Network
Coping

Cancer for the Holidays

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hope for the holidays

Cancer for the Holidays

In December of 2011 my little 22 month old son Griffin was diagnosed with Rhabdomyosarcoma, a rare and aggressive type of muscle cancer that grew in his right eye orbit. We spent three weeks in the hospital trying to get a diagnosis and then a biopsy before returning home on Dec 20th with our answer. CANCER. I got a freaking DISEASE in my BABY for Christmas. I was a mess inside but an emotionless zombie on the outside. Mentally, I knew I had a job to do but no idea how I was actually going to do it!

After living in the hospital for three weeks, totally unprepared, I was dreading coming home to an empty house. We never had time to put up any decorations, a tree or even a few lights outside. I was dreading coming around the corner to see my sad house, the only one not lit up on the block. It kind of represented how I was feeling. Sad, dark and alone.

Griffin and my Hubby Marty in the RMH ad
Griffin and my Hubby Marty in the RMH ad

My husband drove our car around the corner and grabbed my hand. There were lights on our maple trees! There were ribbons on our bushes, lights along our house. Our little house was BEAMING with holiday cheer! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!?! I ran out of the car in my hospital slippers into the snow to watch the wonder of our house. I stood in the snow, looking up at my trees. This was not a professional job at all. It looked like Christmas barfed on my lawn. The lights were mismatched and crooked. Any other year, this would have bothered the OCD inside me, this year? My heart SANG!!! I’ve never been on the receiving end of a Christmas miracle, it was absolutely amazing!!!

It turns out, my co-workers contacted my Mum to see how they could help my family. And then they took up a collection of old Xmas lights (That explains the mismatching lights) and then some volunteers came over the night before to attack my house. But when they got there, they realized that they didn’t have a ladder and all the SHORT people volunteered to help! HAHAHA so only the very lowest branches of my maple trees at lights, the short bushes had ribbons and they had lined the MIDDLE of my house with lights not the roof top. Apparently someone had tripped on and landed on the drainspout of my house, falling and crushing it. Hearing this story made me cry so hard, happy tears. These were my awesome co-worker family, nutty and amazing.

I noticed that I craved a sense of normal in my life. I did not want to be a Cancer Mama. I was forced into it. Once you are diagnosed with Cancer, your little world is tipped upside down, people don’t treat you the same and you don’t even recognize yourself in the mirror. The familiar feeling of Christmas lights in my trees and wrapping my house in cheer was the EXACT pick-me-up my little family needed.

If someone you know has been diagnosed during the holiday season, please reach out and see what they need. SUGGEST what you can do. Lots of people would “say” just tell me what you need, well sometimes, I don’t know what I need! Or I don’t want to impose, but if you offered to make Christmas dinner, or maybe a trees put up, cards mailed or cookies baked? Maybe their driveway shoveled? Or even just a nice chat with a cup of cocoa to warm the soul. Most would take you up on your offer!!!

Happy Holidays and remember, you are never alone.

~Cancer Mama Emma