Tag Archives: Depression

My Thoughts as a Cancer Mama

And then Today Happens…

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You think you are going along ok…you think you have everything under control, you think today is just another day in the life of a cancer mama. Then a series of events happens, to where I’m sitting in a stall in the bathroom at work trying to cry silently so no one will hear me. The more you try to cry quietly, the louder it gets. FYI lolA very dear friend a work lost her husband to cancer a number of years ago. She still wears her wedding band and talks about him like it was yesterday. We have very different views on cancer. She looks at it like a curse, like the black spot of death had attacked her family and took her husband. And she is right of course. I just SEE it differently, yes, cancer sucks, but its also brought my family together, my bond with my son, hubby and family is stronger than ever! I guess maybe, if our path was different, maybe I would have a different outlook as well?

But lately, she has been very hard on herself, I can see that she is struggling in her daily life. I can see that she is struggling to see the good. Time is not going to heal this woman’s wounds. Neither is a good cuppa tea (as my Nanny would say) This woman needs more than I can give her and I just don’t know what it is. Everyday I sit beside her and I see her shrinking, slowly slipping away, looking more and more sad and older. The stress of cancer has taken its toll on this beautiful woman. She wears her battle scars across her face. I see the pain, the heartache and the loss. I weep for her, I weep for all the mothers, wives, sisters, and aunts would have lost a loved one, its not fair. It will never be fair. This woman will never be the same, her heart will never be healed, but I hope one day she will find the strength deep down inside and start to pick up the pieces of her broken heart. Its a painful process. You spend all that time, building a wall up, to protect yourself from the pain, but its really just a numbing effect. You are not really healing if you don’t. You just build up a scab that is harder and more painful to rip off when you are ready to deal with it. Yes, it hurts, yes its not easy but in the long run, its better for you!!!

I wish I had a secret formula to fix people like this. The broken hearted. Cancer victims that were never sick but will never recover from thier dance with cancer. I wish I could wave my magic wand and *poof* she is happy again, she smiles without it looking painful. Her smile would reach her eyes and her soul. Now her smile is just a mask to get her through her day.

Days like this hurt my heart, like an actual painful throb that I can feel. I mourn for my friend that is hurting and there is nothing I can do. I mourn for our innocence that is lost. I mourn for her happiness that looks so very far away. I hate that she never learned anything from her husband’s cancer fight, like how strong she is, or what an amazing mother and wife she is. She only sees the negative. She didn’t bond with other cancer wives or families, she doesn’t participate in the amazing walks and fundraisers that bring like minded cancer fighters together…

Keep Calm and Remember.All I can do is listen as she shares her stories, her worries and her troubles. I have nothing to help, this is a fight she has to do herself. But I can be here for her as she battles, its just up to her to WANT to do it!!!

Sigh…some days like this I wish I was a Wonder Woman, able to take everyone’s troubles and fix. Oh hum, I’m just a regular wife, mother and Cancer fighter that works a full time job and writes this very odd blog while sitting in the stall in her work washroom. Odd, i know, but it works! heheheehe

My Thoughts as a Cancer Mama

Holidays-It’s the little things

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appreciateI’ve never been really huge into the whole holiday thing. I love getting together with family and friends and the feasts are always wonderful, but other than that, holidays could come a go and I really wouldn’t care.

Then cancer hit, rocked my world, now I count my blessings each holiday we have with our little boy. We came so close to losing him, I can’t help to cry each holiday dinner we sit down as a family and raise our glasses to other year.

Easter/Ostara just passed, we didn’t do much of anything special, we got together with my parents a couple of times over the weekend for dinners. But Marty, Griffin and I had a relatively “lazy” weekend at home. We washed all the cars and trucks and cleaned them out (There is that lost mitten! Ooo, that french fry looks several months old!) Griffin was all into helping us, he even vaccuumed out the back seat! This time last year, he couldn’t climb into the car, his fingers were not strong enough to hold a pencil, nevermind the vaccuumm hose…so many big changes in his life! With a lot of hard work, so many things are going back to normal!

I’m beginning to relax a little, letting myself ENJOY these moments we do have. We are so very lucky that our dance with cancer was short n sweet. I intend to never dance that dance again!!!

So a very Happy Easter/Ostara/Spring to everyone!

Cheers!

My Thoughts as a Cancer Mama

Pondering, Rainy Day Doom

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The snow has finally melted here in Ontario Canada, its been a very long winter for us. Today its a rainy day, lots of grey clouds, fog and rain. A cool wind whips your hair around your face as you dash to your car, avoiding puddles in the empty parking lot. I sit in my car enjoying the thunderous spattering noise of rain hitting the roof and windsheild. It’s a calming sound for me, it clears my head. It’s been a very busy couple of weeks for me. I organized our local Daffodil campaign for the Canadian Cancer Society, then I worked a lot of shifts, on top of my full time job. I’m physically and mentally exhausted. It’s not just selling a few pins. It’s standing on your feet for hours, smiling, but you also hear story after story of how cancer has affected people’s lives. My heart reaches out to each and every person that shares their story. Lots of hugs are exchanged, whispers of good luck, as they hustle along doing thier errends. Some are survivors, some lost a loved one, some are still fighting and then others are angry. They think that a cure as been found but drug companies are keeping the secret to make more money. I have trouble shaking the lasting effects of these people. It must be so hard living a life filled with so much negativity and hate. And then to feel the need to spread your negativity to an innocent volunteer who has nothing to do with drug companies? sigh…I take a deep breath, breathing in the glorious spring air and the smell of rain. It’s wonderful. I feel my body relaxing and my mind starts to wander. I remember sitting in this car, in the parking lot of Ronald McDonald House when Griffin was at his sickest. I remember the rain and the gloom and sitting there balling my eyes out. I retreated to my car to cry by myself. I remember thinking I couldn’t do this anymore. I remember questioning why me? Why my child? Why my little family? I remember wishing that I could take Griffin’s cancer, I would sacrifice my own life for his in a heartbeat. Why my only little baby? Why cancer? Why so much sickness and pain? I sat in that car for a very long time, hoping the rain would wash me away with it…

Fast forward 2 years and look at us now? I’m still tired and exhausted but for different reasons (thank gawd) I made it through to the other side. The doom and gloom only lasts for a little while, then it passes by, leaving everything washed clean and fresh.

As horrid as your cancer journey seems at the moment, just know, this too will pass. Your journey will continue to march forward. Some of you may lose your child, some may have complications that they have to live with the the rest of thier lives, but we move on, we survive, we conquer.

I sit back in my car seat and smile. No gloomy day can keep me down. I no longer cry in the rain. I now smile and jump in the puddles.

Don’t let the dark cloud consume you ladies, look for the silver lining, if there isn’t one? The cloud will move on, taking with it the cold and the rain and the wind, rainbows will follow, from heaven or from earth, our children are our blessings!

My Thoughts as a Cancer Mama

GET OVER CANCER!

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Just get over it!

Remember who you're fighting for... not just ourselves, but the next generation, and the next, and the next...Today I was asked why I wasn’t “over” cancer yet. I am not often speechless. But in this moment, I was absolutely at a loss for words. As I sat there with my mouth hanging open, a range of emotions flooded over me. Shock, horror, anger, self doubt, pity and then I settled on the good old “smile, nod and a walk away”.

This lady might have just been trying to make idle conversation? Or maybe she was actually wondering why I’m still obsessed with cancer? I don’t know. But what I do know? I WILL NEVER GET OVER IT! My son and my family and I, as well as thousands of children fought a war. A literal battle for his life! Call it PSTD, call it worry-wart mama, call it insanity, I don’t care. I will be talking about, advocating for and try to raise money for cancer forever. I will never ever stop. I will never get over it. I’ve lost my innocence. I know the facts, the numbers and the stats. I’ve watched babies wither up and die. I’ll seen the disease take thier hair, their mobility, their hearing, their limbs, their light…it is horrid. And I’m scarred from it. I will never, ever be the same. But instead of letting it consume me, instead of letting cancer win, I’m choosing to fight back. I’m choosing to stand up, to not accept one more child dying, not one more!

I’m sorry that as my friend, family, or co-worker, you cannot see, accept and/or understand that. I hope its because you have never had anything as scary and tragic as cancer in your life. You are lucky and nieve. Just like I was before Griffin got sick. I don’t blame you and I will not hold that against you. But if you are around me, you will be hearing about cancer. A lot. Quite possibly forever. lol So to answer your question, nope. I’m not “over” cancer. I never will be…

Hug your babies tight tonight…

My Thoughts as a Cancer Mama

How to “deal” with it

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 How to “deal” with it…

                                        …it being Cancer?

childhood cancerAhem, Attention, Attention please. I, Mama Emma will now share my secrets as to how to “deal” with Cancer…

Um, yeah, I have no idea.

hehehe, its probably the number one question I get asked. How I lived through my son getting sick, how my marriage didn’t fall apart, how I didn’t pull my hair out, how life went on. The truth is, you don’t have a choice! You HAVE to be strong! You cannot crumble into a million peices because your child is counting on you. I’m not going to lie, I certainly thought about never getting out of bed ever again. But you have to get up, no matter your circumstance.

A wise Auntie of mine told me an epic story, its been lost from my memory by now (I dont have a very good memory to begin with) But it was something about a kid that had to go to piano lessons, he was scared and unsure, the first couple of lessons, he would hide under the piano bench. The teacher would try to coax him out but there he sat, hiding. She just went on with the lesson with him under the bench. Eventually, the boy made it ON TOP of the bench and was able to learn his music. He realized he was good at it and only his only fear was holding him back. She told me this story and it really stuck with me. At the time I was quite depressed and everyday life was a struggle. So I started to judge my day like “this is an under the bench kinda day” or “Im on the bench, but holding on for dear life!” And best of all? I realized that even though the boy was hiding under the bench, he was learning, he was soaking in the lesson, getting to know the teacher and the music. An “under the bench” kinda day is not the end of the world, yeah, it sucks, but make the best of a crappy day and keep your ass on TOP of the bench! And also, that my own fear and worry was holding me back! I was missing out on some days that could be really amazing and for what? Worry? Guilt? Depression? No thanks…

Throughout Griffin’s journey with cancer, I had varying degrees of insomnia, but early on in his treatments were the worst! I would lie in bed and worry, I would go over the “what ifs” over and over in my head. I would also go over everything to do with his cancer care, all this meds (24 in all, all taken at different times, different doses, some with food, some with zero food, etc) to make sure I didn’t miss anything. Then I would go over the days and weeks to come, planning out food, what packing at to be done, organizing, all in my head. All i could think of was CANCER CANCER CANCER. When I did finally fall asleep, I would have horrid, life-like dreams and nightmares, most of which centred around cancer (I know, big surprise eh?) The worst one I would repeatedly have is, I would go in Griffin’s room while he was sleeping and take a melon baller (apparently that was hot) and carve out the tumour from his face. I could smell the flesh burning and feel the blood pouring over my hands. I would wake up suddenly and franticly, in a pool of sweat, and I would have to sneak into Griffin’s room to make sure I didn’t actually DO anything (We don’t even own a melon baller! LOL) Needless to say, after having a nightmare like that, it was VERY hard to go to sleep. Actually, I really didn’t WANT to go to sleep for fear that I would dream that again…

In truth, I wasn’t really dealing with “it” well, I was walking around like a stunned zombie. My doctor gave me sleeping pills as well as pills for stress and anxiety. But they just took the edge off, and I didn’t feel emotional at all, like either way, happy or sad. I just, was there. Then one day I realized, that I wasn’t enjoying my favourite song, normally I would have cranked up the radio, opened the sunroof and bopped along to my song. But there I was driving along, not caring. This was not me. I didn’t feel suicidal or anything, I just didn’t FEEL anything. I knew this wasn’t me and I knew I had to find someone to talk too. I reached out to the free therapy available through my work. I met with a man that wanted to deconstruct my childhood, he wanted to “get in my head” and see the true “meaning” of my issues. I was totally creeped out and RAN from his office! I was really really scared to go and see someone else. I waited a couple of weeks and then called again. This time I talked to “A” over the phone. The whole conversation was basically about her, she was a mother and wife, ran a laid back office and she gave me her website to see if I wanted to look her up and see if I felt comfortable talking to her! Well! This was EXACT opposite to the last dude I talked too. I walked into “A”s tiny little office, and sat on a fake leather couch, ikea-style. She was warm and smiling, blonde and tiny short. I instantly liked her. She started out the session just asking me why I was there. Well, that started the flood gates. I BLLLLLLLAAAAAHHHHHed my whole story out in out like a barf for an hour of a conversation. I couldn’t talk fast enough, going over the horror of the past couple of months. It felt SO good telling someone the whole truth, without sugar coating, or holding back to protect their feelings. It felt freeing. By the time I was done, SHE was in tears. Again, I was unfeeling, just telling my story. The first few visits was just me telling my story, going over facts and stuff, making sure I got it right. After awhile, I started to enjoy going to see her! I liked the feeling of bouncing things off of her, seeing her opinion of how to deal with a rude doctor, or an insurance company agent I wanted to strangle or whatever. She asked me one day what the beads were that I held in my hand. I never noticed that I did this, but apparently, i would fiddle with Griffin’s bravery beads (he gets a bead everything he gets a poke, needle, xray, mri, chemo, radaiation, etc) I was using them like prayer beads maybe? They kept me grounded and present in the conversation. Now, this therapist and I are no longer “seeing” each other but we do keep in touch through email and I update her on major events and stuff. She was an amazing part of my recovery. And I am ever so thankful for her!!!

So in closing…my advice to deal with it? I dunno, I just fumbled my way through it, which is probably what you have to do as well. I wish you good luck and remember to trust your gut and hug your babies tight tonight!

XOX

My Thoughts as a Cancer Mama

The Stages of Grief…well, no, more of Cancer

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As a supporter, a parent, a mother, a wife, a full time employee, and as an adult, I found myself roller-coastering with emotions, or lack there of. Everyone is different but this is how I felt when I heard the words CANCER:

 Shock

At first, I was emotionless. A walking zombie. I was just in shock. If my parents were not there, I would not have eaten, or slept. I was focusing on Griffin only. He got his meds, food, hugs, stories, clothes, but I was falling apart. I was falling apart but didn’t even know it. For me, it was all I could do to function on a day to day level without breaking down. Its how I personally dealt with the situation at hand. but I didn’t realize that I was a zombie until months later when i realized that I’m missing out, or I hadn’t smiled that MONTH, and I didn’t enjoy the things that I used to. I was just numb. Its was when I was driving and my favourite song came on the radio. Normally I would have turned it up, sang along and danced wildly in car. But this time, I did nothing. My fav song gave me no emotion whatsoever. I new that something was different, that’s when I went to the doctor. I was “depressed” in the way most people think. I didn’t want to kill myself, I just wasn’t happy. I wasn’t enjoying life. I needed help.

Anger

Then I was mad. I was mad at cancer but cancer is a difficult thing to be mad at, you don’t have a picture, its not physically there for you to see. Its hidden, sneaky. You can’t swear at it, or punch it or even look it in the face and tell it what you really think. You tend to get mad at others that don’t really deserve it. My husband Marty nearly took out the subway sandwich guy for not putting enough pickles on my sandwich. Marty is not an angry man. He is a gentle soul so to see him fly off the handle on his poor sandwich dude was a little scary. But it really opened my eyes. We are not handling this well.

Why?

Then there is the questioning period. Why me? Why my baby? Why my family? You start to question your life, like: did I get the flu shot while I was pregnant??? Maybe that time I had a non-decaf tea caused him to grow cancer in the womb? Maybe its because I failed at breastfeeding? And then there is not the “its not fair” stage, I think it goes along with the “why me” stage too. I would wonder, I only have 1 child, where there are families of 19 and counting, why would cancer pick on my only baby??? There are families that give up their children, abuse their babies, not want them, throw them out. I love my child. Why me? I also questioned my religion, which I had never done before. My faith as always been something constant for me. Questioning this was scary for me. But I was desperately searching for answers. And what sucks most? I never found them!

WHAT IF?

Then came the “What ifs” period. What if Griffin dies? What if the Cancer comes back? What if it spreads? What if it splits up my family? What if we cant afford this? What if I have to go to another kid’s funeral? What if my heart break completely in half? What if, what if, what if??? In the words of my dear therapist. “Emily, you can WHAT IF yourself to death”. The problem with the what if questions are that there are no answers! You are worrying about stuff that hasn’t happened yet!

Sadness

This was a crappy stage. And surprisingly enough, it came AFTER Griffin was done chemo. Its like everything that happened over the past couple of year, sank in, all at once. Or maybe I knew the treatments were over and let myself go? I’m not sure, but I turned into a blubbering blob! I did most of my therapy AFTER, which really surprised me! There was mention of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. At first I laughed it off. I really did not know what it was. But when I had to call my Therapist from the floor of the bathroom stall I was curled in a ball in, I started to think about it. It turns out, my work ordered the same alcohol/anti-germ wipe that they used in the hospital. When smelling it, I guess it took me back so those days where Griffin was neutropenic, and could not have any germs at all. I would spend hours wiping down his hospital room, the bed, the chairs, the tables, all the toys, the outside of food containers, walls, doors, the floors. Everything. I would scrub my hands until they bled, but didn’t feel anything. That smell of those wipes brought it alllllll back…and I was sad. I felt sad for myself, sad for my little family, I felt guilty that Griffin was done treatments and the other chemo kids were not. I felt extra guilty when one of our cancer buddies passed away, felt like shit when another one passed…the list goes on.

The Blessings

I went from feeling sorry for myself, to taking charge. Instead of letting Cancer win, I took over. I started to see the awesome side of Cancer. I know that sounds odd. But it brought my family closer. It made me not take anything for granted. I SEE the blessings I have in my life. We made amazing friends with other cancer families, met some amazing strong survivors and supporters who continue to fight for a cure!

 

I’m including a previous post called “Dear Cancer” which I think explains the blessings I’m talking about:

Dear Cancer,

I have never ever hated anything more than I hate you. You came into my life in Dec of 2011 when you infected my baby with your sickness. You took his health, but you never took his love, laughter or life.

Dear Cancer, you also taught us how to love someone else so much it hurts, how to care for someone other than yourself, how to reach out to other families that are hurting too.

Dear Cancer, Because of you, our family grew stronger as you grew weaker. Because of you we have gained the friendship and kinship of other cancer families that I consider as close as family. Because of you, I don’t take anything for granted. Because of you, I wake up each morning thankful for the day I had yesterday with my child and looking forward to the day I will have today. Because of you I will never be the girl, daughter, wife, mother that I was before. There is no “going back to normal”, there is a new normal now. Its stronger, bigger and badder than Cancer.

Fuck you Cancer but also thank you for the blessings you brought. I love you and hate you for different reasons. But because of these reasons, I will spend the rest of my days spreading the word of cancer awareness, raising money and giving hugs until we find a cure. We will win this fight. So toodles cancer, until we meet again…