Tag Archives: FU CANCER!

My Thoughts as a Cancer Mama

For no reason, and for many reasons all at once.

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“As I was driving in today, I felt like I was on the edge of tears.  For no reason, and for many reasons all at once.”

~Linda Wilson, Cancer Widow, and Friend

 

Our little cancer buddy just found out that 80% of his bone marrow is cancer…

 And my printer would not work today. I balled my eyes out over the printer. I don’t think it was really about the printer? And I forgot my shaker cup at home so I can’t have my diabetic shake for lunch, so I know I will feel like crap later so I’m pre anticipating the crap. And I bit my tongue now it hurts every time I answer the phone.

 And a co-worker asked what was wrong so I told her about our little cancer buddy and she proceeded to tell me about some relative she knows that died of bone cancer as a 35 year old. (not the same…at all) And how each death is meant as a lesson (A lesson from who? And I HATE these lessons and what the fuck am I going to learn from a little innocent boy’s death?!?!) And she blabbled on and on and finally I just got up and walked away. I need to protect my heart.

 Cancer is ripping this little boy away from us and tearing a family apart and ruining my heart. What kind of “lesson” is that?!? And its certainly not his FUCKING TIME TO GO!!! Don’t tell me a child is “meant to go” no mother should bury her child. Ever. Period. Or a husband. Double periods and an exclamation point.

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I would like to send a little thank you to my friend Linda. I’m not going to hide her name anymore. She deserves her real name today. Thank you for listening and hearing me. (not the same things) Thank you for sharing and understanding. Thank you for being wise and sharing your knowledge of life and everything that goes with it. Thank you for having the courage to get out of bed each morning and face the day.

Thank you for being honest with me.

Thank you for the cold leftover toast…it’s an English thing…lol

XOX

 

 

My Thoughts as a Cancer Mama

Pondering, Rainy Day Doom

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The snow has finally melted here in Ontario Canada, its been a very long winter for us. Today its a rainy day, lots of grey clouds, fog and rain. A cool wind whips your hair around your face as you dash to your car, avoiding puddles in the empty parking lot. I sit in my car enjoying the thunderous spattering noise of rain hitting the roof and windsheild. It’s a calming sound for me, it clears my head. It’s been a very busy couple of weeks for me. I organized our local Daffodil campaign for the Canadian Cancer Society, then I worked a lot of shifts, on top of my full time job. I’m physically and mentally exhausted. It’s not just selling a few pins. It’s standing on your feet for hours, smiling, but you also hear story after story of how cancer has affected people’s lives. My heart reaches out to each and every person that shares their story. Lots of hugs are exchanged, whispers of good luck, as they hustle along doing thier errends. Some are survivors, some lost a loved one, some are still fighting and then others are angry. They think that a cure as been found but drug companies are keeping the secret to make more money. I have trouble shaking the lasting effects of these people. It must be so hard living a life filled with so much negativity and hate. And then to feel the need to spread your negativity to an innocent volunteer who has nothing to do with drug companies? sigh…I take a deep breath, breathing in the glorious spring air and the smell of rain. It’s wonderful. I feel my body relaxing and my mind starts to wander. I remember sitting in this car, in the parking lot of Ronald McDonald House when Griffin was at his sickest. I remember the rain and the gloom and sitting there balling my eyes out. I retreated to my car to cry by myself. I remember thinking I couldn’t do this anymore. I remember questioning why me? Why my child? Why my little family? I remember wishing that I could take Griffin’s cancer, I would sacrifice my own life for his in a heartbeat. Why my only little baby? Why cancer? Why so much sickness and pain? I sat in that car for a very long time, hoping the rain would wash me away with it…

Fast forward 2 years and look at us now? I’m still tired and exhausted but for different reasons (thank gawd) I made it through to the other side. The doom and gloom only lasts for a little while, then it passes by, leaving everything washed clean and fresh.

As horrid as your cancer journey seems at the moment, just know, this too will pass. Your journey will continue to march forward. Some of you may lose your child, some may have complications that they have to live with the the rest of thier lives, but we move on, we survive, we conquer.

I sit back in my car seat and smile. No gloomy day can keep me down. I no longer cry in the rain. I now smile and jump in the puddles.

Don’t let the dark cloud consume you ladies, look for the silver lining, if there isn’t one? The cloud will move on, taking with it the cold and the rain and the wind, rainbows will follow, from heaven or from earth, our children are our blessings!