Tag Archives: Canadian Cancer Society

Coping, Tips for a Cancer Mama

To a newly Diagnosed Cancer Mama

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I Wear Gold 12 Little Hero CHILD CANCER Light T-Sh

So your baby has just been diagnosed with Cancer. Now what?

The Web

Calm down, take a deep breath, now breathe…and get off the internet…seriously. You will scare yourself silly with the horrors you can find on the web. I did.  If you must troll the interwebs, ask your Doctor for trusted sites and stick to sites like the Canadian Cancer Society or the official site for your type of cancer. (Sarcoma Foundation, etc) You cannot trust everything you read on the net and most importantly, you can easily mix up actual fact that your doctors give you with the crap you read on the web. Stick to the internet for things like fundraising or support but leave the info and investigating to the professionals!

Get Organized

Start a binder/notebook/journal. Something to keep track of your child’s day to day. I had a binder that had different sections. The first was a business card plastic holder thingy that I kept all the businesses cards of all the doctors we saw, as well as any other business cards that were important (social worker, travelling nurse, and even the serial number of his port that they implanted!) It was a great go-too in a pinch because I can NEVER remember a Doctors name when put on the spot! LOL Second was  a calendar, on that went all his appointments. Yes, I had one on my phone, but this was the master list. Everyone referred to this and it was all knowing. Next was a chart of his meds. At one point he was on 24 different meds, all at different times, different doses and some were before a meal, some with food, some after. Just thinking about it gave me hives. Once I was able to make a no fail chart, it was actually so easy! We had a little tray that I would line up all the syringes, in order for the day. It actually worked quite well! I even numbered the chart and then wrote the corresponding number on the top of the medicine bottle to help me even further! (some of the meds had kinda the same name so it was hard to tell the difference or the generic name was on the bottle but the brand name was on my chart-non helpful! LOL) Next came all the results. I had all the paper work from scan results, as well as lab results. Whenever we met with someone, I would ask for the readout. I can’t tell you how useful this was! You could actually spot trends in his blood work! AMAZING! And lastly, misc stuffs like camp info, disability papers, etc. Carting around all this info is heavy but it is sooo useful! Now, I mentioned a journal. When Griff was first in the hospital, we didn’t know what he had, just a large, fast growing bump above his eye. The doctors would ask a million questions and I found if I kept a journal, I could better answer those. Like how long has the bump been this colour? When was his last bowel movement, how long as he been on this med? I kept a journal of his daily life. It was great if my hubby was not there, he would know how the day went and which doctors came to visit etc. I would highly recommend it!

Clean

Clean your hands, clean yourself, clean your house, your car, your freaking cat. Clean EVERYTHING. Because your kid will no longer have an immune system, he will catch everything. Scrub your hands, right up to the elbow, clean every toy you have in your house. We even rolled up the rug in the living room, the hardwoods were easier to clean! There are some organizations that will clean for cancer families, but we were not so lucky. My Mum was a godsend and would help me out a lot in the cleaning dept. (and laundry…oh gawd the laundry…)

Connect

Yes, your hair is a mess, but that lady looking at you from across the room? She just wants to talk to another Cancer Mama like her but is too stressed or too tired or too scared to reach out. Children are a great ice breaker. Give your kid a snack and send them to the middle of the room. He will attract other steroid raging children that will gobble up the snacks like sharks! You and the Mamas can laugh about it and it will get the conversation started. I was lucky enough to connect with and keep in connect with some amazing families throughout Griffin’s journey and today they are some our most dearest friends. These Mamas understand what you are going through, something that your friends and family will never truly understand. And that’s okay, personally, I never want them to understand. Its just too heartbreaking.

Support

There are a gaggle of support networks out there for you, depending on what you are comfortable with. (Please see the “helpful links” on the sidebar) Depending where you are, there are groups and foundations. Inquire with your hospital, our Social Worker had great resources. Anything from “wish” programs, to support groups, to Cancer Camps to government funding, there is something out there for you and your family. Just reach out.

Talk

You need to talk. Get things off your chest. I personally found that I did not want to “burden” my friends and family more with the gory truth so I looked for outside help. Inquire with your social worker at the hospital. There might be a therapist or support group that specializes in your child’s type of cancer? I had an amazing therapist that helped me through the good times and the bad. But its not just about sitting on the couch and crying. She gave me great tips to combat anxiety when I’m not in her office. She also gave me awesome tips and “go-tos” (words or sentences to say when people ask you/say something that makes you uncomfortable or is something you can’t talk about at that moment.) Example: When I returned to work, every person I encountered asked how Griffin was. This can be exhausting to try to answer this question, in full, 1000 times in one day. So we came up with an answer like, “it is quite complicated but he is very happy and comfortable at the moment. Can I explain over lunch?” It avoided the hard stuff that made me cry, it answered their question for now and shut them up. win, win, win.

Camp

You might not be a “campy” sort of person, and that’s okay, but the odds are your kid is! Here in Ontario we have Camp Trillium and Camp Ooch which are fabulous free camps for Cancer Kids that lets them be themselves in a safe and understanding environment. Those memories will last a lifetime and the time us Mamas have alone/together is priceless! Yes, it seems like more work to bring a cancer kid to Camp, but trust me, it is sooooo worth it!

YOU

As a Mother, your child usually comes before you always, but as a Cancer Mama, you tend to neglect yourself. Remember to eat. I thankfully had a very good support system that would remind me to eat but not everyone has that. Doesn’t matter if its just a granola bar or a shake. Eat something. And remember to take care of yourself. You cannot look after your child properly if you are a mess yourself. Allow yourself to have a quiet moment for a tea, do Yoga in the hospital room! I even know a Mum who sewed, she brought her whole sewing machine into the hospital when her child was admitted!!! Give yourself an afternoon and get a pedi. You deserve it!!! Yes money is tight, but what is your sanity worth?!?!?!

 

And the most important thing? YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I know it may seem like it, but there are millions of Mamas out there, just like you. We would love to talk to you. Reach out, spread your wings, kick Cancer’s butt and love yourself while doing it!

Hug your babies tight tonight!

 

XOX

 

Coping

Cancer for the Holidays

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hope for the holidays

Cancer for the Holidays

In December of 2011 my little 22 month old son Griffin was diagnosed with Rhabdomyosarcoma, a rare and aggressive type of muscle cancer that grew in his right eye orbit. We spent three weeks in the hospital trying to get a diagnosis and then a biopsy before returning home on Dec 20th with our answer. CANCER. I got a freaking DISEASE in my BABY for Christmas. I was a mess inside but an emotionless zombie on the outside. Mentally, I knew I had a job to do but no idea how I was actually going to do it!

After living in the hospital for three weeks, totally unprepared, I was dreading coming home to an empty house. We never had time to put up any decorations, a tree or even a few lights outside. I was dreading coming around the corner to see my sad house, the only one not lit up on the block. It kind of represented how I was feeling. Sad, dark and alone.

Griffin and my Hubby Marty in the RMH ad
Griffin and my Hubby Marty in the RMH ad

My husband drove our car around the corner and grabbed my hand. There were lights on our maple trees! There were ribbons on our bushes, lights along our house. Our little house was BEAMING with holiday cheer! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!?! I ran out of the car in my hospital slippers into the snow to watch the wonder of our house. I stood in the snow, looking up at my trees. This was not a professional job at all. It looked like Christmas barfed on my lawn. The lights were mismatched and crooked. Any other year, this would have bothered the OCD inside me, this year? My heart SANG!!! I’ve never been on the receiving end of a Christmas miracle, it was absolutely amazing!!!

It turns out, my co-workers contacted my Mum to see how they could help my family. And then they took up a collection of old Xmas lights (That explains the mismatching lights) and then some volunteers came over the night before to attack my house. But when they got there, they realized that they didn’t have a ladder and all the SHORT people volunteered to help! HAHAHA so only the very lowest branches of my maple trees at lights, the short bushes had ribbons and they had lined the MIDDLE of my house with lights not the roof top. Apparently someone had tripped on and landed on the drainspout of my house, falling and crushing it. Hearing this story made me cry so hard, happy tears. These were my awesome co-worker family, nutty and amazing.

I noticed that I craved a sense of normal in my life. I did not want to be a Cancer Mama. I was forced into it. Once you are diagnosed with Cancer, your little world is tipped upside down, people don’t treat you the same and you don’t even recognize yourself in the mirror. The familiar feeling of Christmas lights in my trees and wrapping my house in cheer was the EXACT pick-me-up my little family needed.

If someone you know has been diagnosed during the holiday season, please reach out and see what they need. SUGGEST what you can do. Lots of people would “say” just tell me what you need, well sometimes, I don’t know what I need! Or I don’t want to impose, but if you offered to make Christmas dinner, or maybe a trees put up, cards mailed or cookies baked? Maybe their driveway shoveled? Or even just a nice chat with a cup of cocoa to warm the soul. Most would take you up on your offer!!!

Happy Holidays and remember, you are never alone.

~Cancer Mama Emma

 

 

Feelings

Feeling Guilty

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All cancer survivors! Walking together, surviving together!
All cancer survivors! Walking together, surviving together!

Have you ever felt guilty about something? Maybe you stepped on a bug on the sidewalk? Elbowed your kid in the head by mistake? Ran over a squirrel in your car? I think we have all done these things, felt guilty about it for a moment and moved on. I once was shopping in Zellars (The Canadian version of Kmart) with my Mom, and I was young enough not to be able to see over the counter, so I was five maybe? I was REALLY excited over this new Barbie my Mum let me pick out. I clutched her in my arms throughout the entire store, I looked into her eyes and day dreamed of the dressing changes we would be doing and plastic car rides we would be going on. My Mum bustled me along, as she grabbed her bags to leave. Out in the parking lot she realized I was still clutching the dang Barbie and had not paid for it. I remember her DRAGGING me back into the store like some common criminal. I was embarrassed, but more than anything, I felt GUILTY. Like a deep ache of guilt, like would be Mum ever forgive me? Could I ever forgive myself? Will I still get into College?

Fast forward 20 years and here I sit, snuggling with my beautiful healthy five year old boy that happens to be a cancer survivor. Yes, we have a few side effects and setbacks due to Cancer, but in the grand scheme of things, we had a very lucky journey. As I sit here, running my hands through his hair that grew back a much darker colour, I cannot help but to think of the friends of ours that are still battling the disease. Why is my child ok but theirs has relapsed? Why did they go through 12 ports and ours was perfectly fine? Why is my child alive while theirs is dead? The guilt swallows me up some days. Do I deserve to have a healthy child when some great Mums out there are missing theirs? I can’t wrap my head around it. Logically, I know it’s silly, I should be shouting from the roof tops and dancing a jig at our luck. But how can I be celebrating when other kids are dying? When other kids are still fighting? Apparently it’s called Survivors guilt which is a part of my PTSD. That’s great that there is a nice little name for it…but how do I fix it?

The long and the short of it? I DID make it in to college, LOL the Barbie trauma is long behind me. But the Survivors Guilt? I find myself inserting myself into my Cancer Community, doing things like running a Parent’s Support group, organizing a Super Hero sewing bee so every sick kid gets a Courage Cape and lots of fundraising events through the year. Events like Relay for Life is a great day where Cancer Families and their supporters plus great members of the community get together to walk together and raise money. Its a way of connecting. Look up your local Cancer Society or Ronald McDonald House as they always never volunteers I feel like instead of filling my heart with guilt and dread, I actively fill my heart with love from these other Cancer families. Yes, by putting myself out there, I could get hurt again as our friends may relapse but the love far outweighs any of the bad.

The guilt? I will never be able to fix it but I CAN put it in a figurative little box, with a pretty little bow. I know it’s always there, tugging at my heartstrings but I don’t have to open it all the time. I keep it close to my heart, I think about those kids all the time but I’ve learned that it doesn’t have to take over my whole day, I don’t let the guilt consume me anymore. I’m allowed to laugh and enjoy my cancer-free child. We all know life is just too precious and too short to be worried about something I cannot change.

Hug your babies tight tonight…and remember, you are not alone.

 

Feelings, Loss

A Different Kind of Loss

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We have talked about losing your child, we have discussed the loss of friendships, now lets talk about a different type of loss…your innocence. I know this might sound odd at first. But I find myself grieving my loss of innocence and now I’m intimately surrounded with Cancer, and hospitals and everything that goes with it. I didn’t go into a medical field on purpose. I don’t want to see the ugly realities of cancer and sick babies. I hate that Cancer has FORCED me to be an expert in the field of Momcology. I don’t like that I can change a feed tube, de-access a port, or give a shot in the leg like a pro. I want to be a Mum. I want to raise my child without the constant worry of illness. I feel that I can’t let him go like I should. I’m a hovering helicopter Mum, making sure he doesn’t hurt himself, or hang out with the kid with the runny nose or lick the swing. Yes, Griffin is Cancer free now, but I don’t feel like I’M cancer free. I wonder if I ever will be? I’ve seen the dark side of life. I’ve danced with the idea of losing my child. I’ve seen how fragile life can be, can I ever go back to the carefree days? I don’t think so. Once you have opened that door, the fear and anxiety creep in.  I’ve watched as they radiated my son while I hid behind lead, I know what its like to watch your child get sick in your arms and to be helpless to help them. I’ve watched other Mums grieve their babies while I hug mine tight. Its a reality that haunts me to this day. Am I crippled by it? No, but some days it still hurts. A lot. Its not something that I think about everyday or anything, but every now and then it keeps me up at night. I hate that my head is no longer mine…

 

Hug your babies tight tonight. XOX

 

Letters

Dear Cancer Mama

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Dear canadan cancer mama, WTF are you folks smoking up there? Like seriously now. THE BLESSINGS OF CANCER? Are you shitting me? down here in the good Ol’d US of A, cancer steals our whole lives. We are emotionally, physically and financially broken. We have to relay on our friends and relations to help us through but we make it. Cancer is not all rainbows and lolly pops. Itss a fucking battle for your life. Dreaming up “best buddy friendships” and support group sit-ins are not helping anyone. And now you just posted another one about Battle scars!!!!!!!! really? yes there fucking painful reminders of course they are! What else would they be??????You are delusional. Seriously fucking fucked up. NOBODY can actually think this way. I know that canada people are nice and whatever but this is over the top. I don’t know where the fuck you learned to write like this but it makes me want to puke.

American and lovin it

 

My emailed response, it took me awhile to be able to write back…

I also apologize that in your country, you are so broken…perhaps that is what Obama is trying to fix?

I would also like to say “sorry” that you feel I’m fucked up, sometimes I do have bad days, luckily for me, the good days out number the bad by ten fold. It sounds like it is opposite for you. There are great meds for that.

I don’t smoke. Anything.  That causes Cancer, something we are trying to avoid in my family.

My writing style makes you want to puke? OMG, I’m laughing so freaking hard!

#SorryNotSorry

If I’m so offensive, why do you keep coming back???

You’re from the South right? Right?!?

I’m very glad that your kin folk help you out. It sounds like you need it.

Dear American and Lovin’ it,

As a Canadian, (Yes, there is an ‘i’ in there) I would like to apologize that my personal thoughts and feelings expressed on my blog have apparently upset you and turned on your “swearing’ button. These blogs that I write are MY experiences. I don’t expect everyone to agree with everything I say or even two words that I say. I never made that claim. I’m also at a point in Griffin’s Cancer journey, where I can look back and reflect on the situation. Think of it as child birth? On the days before you give birth, some mothers may hate the world, hate that baby, hate the weather, hate the husband…then on Labour day, you are mad at the world, mad at the nurses and doctors, you are experiencing your own personal hell, the pain is ridiculous, your modesty and pride are forgotten about, etc. But then that Baby in born, suddenly the world is all “rainbows and Lollipops”, the sun starts shining again, you forget (some) of the pain and the grossness and just focus on raising that beautiful baby of yours. I’m at the beautiful baby stage. I’ve been through the pain and rage and sadness, I’m in the “enjoying my boy being normal” stage. We might be in different stages and I can guarantee that we had different paths through our Cancer journeys. I hear a lot of pain and sorrow in your letter, American. I would love to help you in anyway I can. Please let me know how I can help.

Also, I have banned you from my blog for your own good. I don’t want to upset you even more and the blogs are just going to keep coming! You now have my personal email so please reach out if you need too.

Remember, you are NEVER alone, even if you write me a nasty letter.

~CancerMamaEmma

 

My Thoughts as a Cancer Mama

Battle Scars or Painful Reminders?

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Jan 21, 2015

Sorry about the VERY late blog update, somehow this got lost in the shuffle, but I thought I would share it anyway! :)
These are battle scars. As a relatively healthy four year old, these scars to do not slow him down but I wonder how he will hold up later on in life?

Because he had radiation directly to his face, he is missing an eyebrow on that side, he also wears glasses because he had cataract surgery to correct what radiation had done to his eye. They say his bones will grow slower on that side. His face will be different sizes. I wonder if anyone will notice? Will kids be mean? Will my son wear these scars as badges of honour? Or will they remind him of tough times and shrink like a wallflower?

Every now and then, I wish I could peek into the future, see what the future in like for my Cancer kid. Will he be a cancer awareness leader? Will he continue to walk the fundraisers and be the face of children’s hospitals and Cancer charities? Will he be proud of the things he has accomplished? Or will all this take its toll on him? Will the kids notice his differences? Will he be teased for his scars? His missing eyebrow and lack of balance? He cannot run as fast as the other kids, he had muscle loss and nerve damage from the chemo. This also effects his balance and his confidence as he tries to play with other kids. He is not as confident as the others his age. Will he be picked last for the baseball teams? Will they see the implant in his eye and be freaked out? Will they see the deep red scar on his chest and shrink away in horror?

I wish I could have an idea so I can prepare him for the future, but as any Mum will say, I guess I will just have to wait, and continue to watch him run around the yard. Tripping over his own feet, going much slower than the rest of the kids, but grinning ear to ear. He is happy, and as a Mum, that’s my job, the rest? I will worry about as it comes…

Hug your babies tight tonight

Letters

Letter to Alivia’s Rainbows

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Mar 19, 2014

This note was written at the very beginning of Griffin’s Cancer journey:

Dear Craig & Chantal & Alivia’s Rainbows,

This is a hard note to write. When you hear the words that your child has cancer, your life changes immediately, forever and it seems it will never go back to normal. Griffin is 22 months old, still strong and young enough that hopefully he will survive his battle with Rhabdomyosarcoma, but as a parent, it feels like the life has been sucked out of you, “normal” is no longer part of your daily routine and I struggle to see how I am going to survive this disease and I’m not even the sick one! But thankfully there are people out there like you folks, who bring a little bit of sunshine to a rainy day. Now I understand the “rainbow” part of your name!

Thank you ever so much for your generous gift. It has taken off a bit of financial stress, one less thing I have to worry about, and more time I can dedicate to our beautiful boy. And the icing on the cake? Talking to a wonderful couple who have stayed strong and are a great example to us parents that are just holding it together.

You are doing such a great service to our community and honouring your daughter is such a generous and beautiful way.

Thank you for the advice, the gift cards and most importantly the hope…

Love Emily, Marty & Griffin Hammond-aka Cancer Fighters!

Letters

Dear Cancer Mama

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Mar 19, 2014 –
This is a letter I just got from a fellow Cancer Mama! WONDERFUL! Thank you Pam! (I got her permission to publish this)

Dear Cancer Mama,

It’s 4am. I’m up changing a feed bag, checking temp and of couse, worrying about my sweet little boy. Like your son, he is fighting Rhabdomyosarcoma but his is on his upper arm. Like you, he is 2 years old. Like you, I’m just barely hanging on. Like you, I’m surfing the internet at 4am. Like you, hey! I AM LIKE YOU!

As I’m sitting here, reading your words, it feels like you are right here with me, sitting on the couch chatting. I’m laughing as your mother rips out Griffin’s Feeding Tubey playing tigers. I’m crying with you as Austin passes away. I’m praying with you to find a cure.

Thank you for sharing your experiences on your blog. Thank you for being brave enough to share not only your experiences, but your thoughts, opinions and feelings. It gives me hope. It gives me hope that like you, we can survive this. Like you, we can come out the other side better people. Like you, I want to help others. You have inspired me to look up my local Cancer Society and volunteer. I’ve decided that no matter how our “cancer journey” (as you call it) turns out, I will make the best of it, look for the silver lining, and not let cancer win.

Thank you for giving me hope,

~Pam, fellow Cancer Mama from Maine

Letters

Hi Emily!

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Mar 19, 2014

This is a letter I got from another Cancer Mama, from England! (I asked her permission before sharing this note) Thanks Amanda!

Hi Emily!

Don’t ask me how I came across your blog, totally by accident yet totally wonderful! I am absolutely amazed at your ability to explain a cancer experience with total grace and humour at the same time. It is just smashing to find a similar situation to ours, even all the way across the pond!

Our daughter Emily (!) has Rhabdo which has grown in her lower jaw, she is six and a mighty trooper as we are nearing the end of her battle and will soon cross into the land of remission! Thanks to your blog I kind of have an idea of what to expect and not be surprised if my feelings/mood changes, etc. Why doesn’t the hospital tell us such things?!?!

We are wishing you and your family all the very best.

Cheers!

Amanda

Letters

A WOW Letter-This is WHY I do what I do!!!

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Mar 27, 2014
I got this letter today, and I spent the rest of the day all sniffy and emotional. When you start a blog, you never realize how many people it will touch and in how many ways. I was WOWed when this Mama took my quotes and stuck them together…how powerful! Its very rare that I am speechless. This was one of those times. I rarely look back at what I write. Thank you for putting it all together for me. WOW And I thank you too! XOX*******************************************************************************

Dear Emily, I am also a “Cancer Mama” as you call them. What a shitty club to be part of. And I’m a hoarder of information. I spend my sleepless nights trolling the internet for bits of information I can write in my book. It can be anything from inspiration quotes to cancer facts to germ fighting recipes. And then one night, I followed your pin to your blog. It was a life changing moment reading your posts, shifting through your story, following your adventures. I laughed with you, I cried with you, then I laughed again. But most importantly I took the good bits. I started scribbling them down, then I moved on to cutting and pasting, stealing good tidbits of info. I ended up sharing your blog with everyone I know, including all the “Cancer Mamas” here and now have bookmarked your blog. I check it everyday, hoping for a new post, wondering what you will come up with next. And as usual, I’m surprised every time. Congrats on building an amazing go-to place for Cancer families. Thank you for opening your heart and sharing your soul. You are doing an amazing job. I wanted to share with you what connected with me the most. Here are the quotes I “stole”:

Ahem, Attention, Attention please. I, Mama Emma will now share my secrets as to how to “deal” with Cancer…Um, yeah, I have no idea.

Then cancer hits us and rocks my little boat. I’m suddenly clutching the sides and trying not to be thrown overboard.

Welcome to the wonderful world of Children’s Hospitals filled with sick children. Please wash your hands.

And the sad part? I didn’t spend my money on booze or drugs or tattoos or vacations or fast cars. I spent my money on Cancer. Fucking cancer. What a complete waste of money. A waste of my money and my time and my health and my sanity. Fuck Cancer…

Dear Cancer, Because of you, our family grew stronger as you grew weaker. Because of you we have gained the friendship and kinship of other cancer families that I consider as close as family. Because of you, I don’t take anything for granted. Because of you, I wake up each morning thankful for the day I had yesterday with my child and looking forward to the day I will have today. Because of you I will never be the girl, daughter, wife, mother that i was before. There is no “going back to normal”, there is a new normal now. Its stronger, bigger and badder than Cancer.

I’ve put my whole life on hold to dance with Cancer.

Yes, I said a “family with Cancer”, because really, when one member has Cancer, it affects the family unit as a whole. One member suffers, all the members suffer. We work as a group, as a team, with one goal. KICKING CANCER’S BUTT!

Hold their hand through the most terrible, stressful, awful time of their lives. Their baby is sick, their marriage is rocky, their finances are in the ditch.

Another issue would be the tube itself, being there. Your child will get stared at, babies will try to yank at it, children will ask about it. Some cancer parents would get upset. But just like any other medical disability, instead of getting insulted, or awkward, turn the situation into a learning experience.

And they were wrestling on the camp cot, you know, like tigers do, and “somehow” Griffin’s feeding tube got pulled out. Off to the camp medical office we go. We decide that we are not going to put it back in, Griffin will have to struggle through the last couple of days of camp without it. Fast forward a couple of hours, we are back in the medical office, now his leg needle has “somehow” came out as well. With our heads hung low, we have to explain that a “tiger did it”. Griffin thought this was WAY too funny and giggled himself silly as we had to explain the story to the camp medical staff, the camp director, and also the nurses and doctors as we had to attend the hospital to get everything put back in!!! hahaha LOVE IT! Tiger wrestles is the best kind of wrestling! teehee!

Of course, it could be me! I like to think that I have not changed, but that would be a lie. I HAVE changed! (I hope for the better!) I’ve lost my innocence for sure. I’ve faced my child’s mortality and of course pondered my own. I’ve buried chemo buddies, I’ve watched children waste away to nothing. I’ve watched cancer rip families apart, tear apart marriages and drain every cent a family has. I’ve watched child take medicine that poisons thier bodies to the point of death, meds that take thier hair, sight, hearing, mobility, and watched thier parents give it to them. I’ve put on a lead bib as my baby gets radiated, over and over and over again. I’m not the same person. I’ve seen the dark side of life. But because I’ve seen the dark side, I hang on tight the bright!

I’m here, my heart hurting for my fellow Cancer Mama. I’m here to represent all us Mamas out there. I’m here to respect and say good bye to the littlest cancer warrior I’ve ever met. I’m here, I’m present and I always will be.

I hope we can blaze a trail of friendship and understanding for new cancer families coming in behind us! Do not be afraid to love your fellow cancer kids and supporters! You will be thankful that you did! Thank you fellow Cancer Parents for opening your hearts to me, to us.  Thank you for putting your heart on the line and your heart on your sleeve. I understand the risk you take opening your soul to others. I understand and I’m thankful.

Once your life is ripped for you and you work HARD to but the pieces back together, you savour every moment you’ve got left.

Put altogether we get these amazing “words of wisdom” which I recently read at a cancer support group. Again, everyone laughed, everyone cried, and everyone laughed again.

Thank you from the deepest depths of my soul. Thank you for letting me out, for giving me permission to enjoy the blessings as well as the ugliness of cancer. Thank you for opening my eyes and letting me see the light as you see it. I look forward to your next post! (no pressure or anything! Hahaha)

Your fellow Cancer Mama from BC