A Different Kind of Loss

We have talked about losing your child, we have discussed the loss of friendships, now lets talk about a different type of loss…your innocence. I know this might sound odd at first. But I find myself grieving my loss of innocence and now I’m intimately surrounded with Cancer, and hospitals and everything that goes with it. I didn’t go into a medical field on purpose. I don’t want to see the ugly realities of cancer and sick babies. I hate that Cancer has FORCED me to be an expert in the field of Momcology. I don’t like that I can change a feed tube, de-access a port, or give a shot in the leg like a pro. I want to be a Mum. I want to raise my child without the constant worry of illness. I feel that I can’t let him go like I should. I’m a hovering helicopter Mum, making sure he doesn’t hurt himself, or hang out with the kid with the runny nose or lick the swing. Yes, Griffin is Cancer free now, but I don’t feel like I’M cancer free. I wonder if I ever will be? I’ve seen the dark side of life. I’ve danced with the idea of losing my child. I’ve seen how fragile life can be, can I ever go back to the carefree days? I don’t think so. Once you have opened that door, the fear and anxiety creep in.  I’ve watched as they radiated my son while I hid behind lead, I know what its like to watch your child get sick in your arms and to be helpless to help them. I’ve watched other Mums grieve their babies while I hug mine tight. Its a reality that haunts me to this day. Am I crippled by it? No, but some days it still hurts. A lot. Its not something that I think about everyday or anything, but every now and then it keeps me up at night. I hate that my head is no longer mine…


Hug your babies tight tonight. XOX


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.